Writing by Committee
by the mean spleen
Summary: The actually story behind the summary is in the story. It's kind of a Catch-22 type thing. Not the story, but the story behind the summary.


Disclaimer: Marvel owns the world except the Author who no one wants. Well not entirely true but that's another story.

Author's Notes: The story jumps from the story to somewhere else. You'll get the hang of it fairly quickly. I was going to start putting names to faces but that excludes people so I didn't bother. The people in this story are based on real people though, but good luck proving who they are. 

The author finally sat down. Having plugged the deeps of his psyche he was finally ready to write down his latest opus. He figured that he had everything that would make for the ideal story, one that would appeal to everyone no matter what his or her personnel tastes. He started the same as always, writing down the opening in rough form before adding meat to the bones.

The government complex was in secluded grove deep in the mountains surrounded by a large forest. It didn't feature on any maps and there were no roads in and out to give away its location. But despite all the secrecy, Eric Lensherr had still found it. And as always he sent in his most trusted operative to gain entry before sending in the muscle.

*** * * Riddup * * * **

The Author was startled by the sudden appearance of a number of strange girls behind him in the shadows of his room. One of them stepped forward though she kept her face in the shadows. 

"Let me guess, Mystique gets all the glory yet again." The girl said, her voice sounding vaguely annoyed. 

The author is slightly indignant at the suggestion of favouritism.

"I happen to think that infiltration is Mystique's speciality. And anyway I like her, she's easy to write."

"I just bet you like her. But, well couldn't you change it so that the opening requires a more Toad like entrance. There are a lot of Toad fans out there who'd like to see him grab some glory."

"A more Toad like entrance?"

"Yes, a more Toad like entrance."

"Okay I'll try."

The government complex was in secluded grove deep in the mountains surrounded by a large forest. It didn't feature on any maps and there were no roads in and out to give away its location. But despite all the secrecy, Eric Lensherr had still found it. He had thought about sending in one of his most trusted operative to gain entry before sending in the muscle but the high fence around it meant that he would need to call on the talents of one of his other brothers, the fearsome Toad.

Under the cover of darkness, Toad approached the high fence and gauged with quiet satisfaction that it was a paltry task for him to leap clean over the top. He landed on the opposite side with barely a whisper and made his way to the main building where he would eliminate any guards before killing the power to the security systems, thus allowing the others safe and covert access.

He snuck across the grass carefully, his every muscle twitching in anticipation of what he was going to do. He did love the look of surprise on a victim's face when he pounced on them, crushing the life fro-

"Stop." The voice commanded.

"What?" The author asked, annoyed at having his rhythm broken again.

"Toad is a cutie pie, he's only doing this because Magneto's got some diabolical hold over him. So there's no way he'd enjoy it."

"Okay, okay."

He snuck across the grass carefully, his stomach churning because of what he was required to do. He hated having to take the life of innocents but he knew the fate that they would suffer at Magneto's hand would be much worse. Better to die quickly then languish in agony.

He could hear the low talking of the guards ahead and moved quickly to silence them in the most efficient and humane way possible. He dragged the bodies off to the side where they would be found and given a nice burial and everything. He even said a few words about how they were such fine people and stuff. He made his way into the empty guard box and looked for the button that would kill all the security for this area. He found and pressed it. He was satisfied to see the various surveillance cameras flicker out of life. Little did he know that shutting off the security from any of the remote switches triggered a master alarm.

"No" The voice interrupted again.

"No what?"

"Toad would be too smart to trigger the alarm."

"But he doesn't know."

"He'd know instinctively. Have one of the others trip the alarm. Sabretooth can do it. No body likes Sabretooth so you'll be doing everyone a favour by making him the fall guy." She looked at the others and they silent nodded their agreement."

"All right."

… He found the button and pressed it. He was satisfied to see the various surveillance cameras flicker out of life. With his excellent vision he saw the large form of Sabretooth lead the way through the gate. The darker forms behind him were obviously Mystique and Magneto. He waited for them to join him.

Sabretooth who was leading the others into the compound failed to notice a trip wire that triggered a master alarm…

"Satisfied?"

"Yes."

"Good."

Back at the renowned academy for talented but angsty folk, Scott sat behind the control room and regarded a number of papers in front of him, all clean and unmarked. He took a pen from behind his ear and started grimacing as he noted the name on the top of the page. Jubilee, this was going to be bad.

*** * * Paff * * ***

(I think I remember reading that that is the noise Jubilee makes when she does her thing. If it isn't sue me, I've got great liars, I mean lawyers.)

A young man appeared in the shadows behind the Toad group. 

"Ahem," he coughed trying to get the Author's attention without alerting the it-ain't-easy-being-green gang.

"What now?"

"Jubilee's work isn't bad. It will be cute, just like her."

"You have got to be joking me?" The Author couldn't believe this.

"No, no I'm not." Said the young man with an earnest face.

"Fine."

At the academy, Scott sat behind the control room and regarded a number of papers in front of him, all clean and unmarked. He took a pen from behind his ear and started smiling as he noted the name on the top of the page. Jubilee, this was going to be great as her work was always…entertaining.

Just as he was about to start reading her work, he noted a light on the screen, indicating that a potential mutant intrusion was taking place. As a form of monitoring, the X-Men had tapped into a number of installations that they regarded as potential targets for Magneto and his men. He hit the general alarm to waken the X-Men.

A voice entered his mind, 

"Scott, what is it?"

"Professor, we have an intruder at the Top Secret Gizmo Complex."

"It's as I feared, Eric is making a try for the Top Secret Gizmo That Does Something Horrible."

"The Top Secret Gizmo That Does Something Horrible?" one of the Toad group asked.

"Yeah, what the hell is that?" the Jubilee fan asked.

The Author rubbed his brow and looked uncomfortable.

"I haven't decided what it is or what it will do so for the time being it's simply "the Top Secret Gizmo That Does Something Horrible". Anyone got a problem with that?"

All the hands in the room went up defensively.

"Good."

"It's as I feared, Eric is making a try for the Top Secret Gizmo That Does Something Horrible."

"That's what I thought. I've taken the liberty of alerting the team."

"Very good, Scott."

All over the academy, a number of tired heads lifted from pillows and made their way sleepily to their wardrobes to get decent.

*** * * Snikt * * ***

A new group popped into existence. It was the Logan Liberation Front or was the Front For Liberating Logan, the Author could never keep track. They looked at him with deep glares that would do the man himself proud.

"You know you've gone over a hundred and fifty lines without mention Logan. It's about time he showed his face don't you think?"

"Well, he was going to appear at some stage." The Author started to mumble.

"And he's bound to be up at the crack of dawn, doing something cool."

"Like what?"

Someone from the back of the group spoke up.

"Taking a shower."

"What?"

"Yeah, taking a shower, a long, long shower." Someone else agreed.

You've got to be shitting me?"

"No, he's taking a shower, got it?" the lead took up the cause.

"Okay, sorry." The Author replied, suitably chastised.

*** * * Mumbled French * * ***

A new group appeared in the room, which was now starting to get crowded with a lot of different partisan parties. The trench coats revealed them as Gambit Girls. Not the actual Gambit girl but a group with affiliated beliefs. It's a long story and not one the Author wanted to get into.

"Did I hear someone mention a shower?"

"What do you want?"

"Well if they get Logan in a shower scene, we want Remy in one too."

"The two are taking a shower together?" the Author hoped that suggestion would kill the idea

"Sure, they can wear towels. It's not like Remy's got anything to be embarrassed about. Can't say that about Logan, now can you?"

"What are you implying?" One of the LLF jumped to his defence. 

"Oh nothing," The Gambit Girl replied.

The Author was afraid of a catfight, the Jubilee fan was excited by the prospect, but for once the Author decided what got done.

"Look, I'll put Remy in an adjoining stall, okay?"

"That will do just fine."

*** * * BAMF * * ***

The Author knew what was coming.

"Okay Kurt can go in to another one…"

*** * * PETS * * ***

"…and Scott as well."

The Jubilee fan tentatively raised his hand. 

"No, Jubilee cannot be in there with them."

"I was going to asked that if Scott is in the shower then who triggered the alarm?"

The frustrated Author almost jumped off his chair.

"Listen don't threaten me with details."

"Jezz, sorry already."

The alarm was automatically triggered when Sabretooth went over the trip wire. Back at the academy, all the men of the group had been taking a late night shower as they had been doing…something that meant they got very…dirty…yeah, that's good, dirty. Professor Xavier emerged first listening to the tone before the rest emerged all with towels around their waists. 

"It's as I feared, Eric is making a try for the Top Secret Gizmo That Does Something Horrible at the Top Secret Gizmo Complex."

"I'll get the Blackbird ready," Scott volunteered.

"Very good, Scott."

"Hey have a gust of wind blow throw the showering area and then they can all see what a tiny…" One of the LLF laughed glancing in the direction of the PETS crowd.

"Just stop right there." The author pointed. "This isn't a carry on movie just yet."

One of the green group interrupted.

"Can Toad come out in a towel too?"

"What?"

"Listen no, just no. Everyone be quiet…I'm going to handle..." The Author was losing it.

One of the Gambit Girls spoke.

"The groups have decided that there will be a gust of wind. Make it so."

The Author cowered.

"I'll get the Blackbird ready," Scott volunteered.

"Very good, Scott."

Then…suddenly…a gust of wind blew through the climate controlled high tech secret complex, causing all the towels to come off simultaneously. 

All the men gave each other the once over. No body said anything as they left the area. Logan slid up to Gambit.

"Did you see Xavier? Wow" the Cajun said in disbelief.

"Don't need to tell me twice, Mon Amis. It's no wonder Jean spends so much time with him." Gambit said with a similar sense of –and again I use the word- Wow ness.

The X-Men got into their uniforms and prepared for departure. But first they had to say goodbye to their loved ones. 

The author knew that negotiating the who loves whom minefield was more then he could handle right about now so he decided to stop. He looked back at the various groups. 

"Well, that's part one done. You've been such great help, I was wondering does anyone want to come up with a summery for the-?" 

*** * * Riddup * * * **

*** * * Paff * * ***

*** * * Snikt * * ***

*** * * Mumbled French * * ***

*** * * BAMF * * ***

*** * * PETS * * ***

The Author was alone.

"Crap, I hate writing summaries."****


End file.
